The adoptive parents called me tonight. I was in my usual non-computer position: laying on my side watching TLC and playing my Gameboy when the phone rang, and I was surprised to hear from the adoptive mom. We meet up or call every two weeks to catch up on baby-related business, and it was my turn to call next Monday.
They found a new biomom. She’s due in “less than a month” and she’s older than I am. They want to go with her instead because she’s had more time to think it over and she “knows for sure”. I know for sure, too. I’ve known for sure since September. I really liked this family. They were young enough to be cool but old enough to be mature. They already had a three-year-old son that they adopted. They were perfect for us–for Maybug and me. I don’t know what we’re going to do now, but I’m going to talk to the lawyer tomorrow to find out what she recommends. I’m pretty sure (but maybe someone more knowledgable could correct me, I’m going to do some research too, because that’s what I do) that it’s too late for me to join up with an agency. I feel so sad for Maybug for some reason. I thought that I had chosen a family who really wanted him or her and and they just…bowed out for some newer model. Now it’s just Maybug and me, two against the world, and I don’t know what we’re going to do.
I read a blog that’s linked on the side of my page pretty often called optionadoption. It gives me a good insight on the other side of what I’m going through, the parents’ side, and it’s given me a good perspective on why, exactly, I need to go through with this. There are so so many people like this and a woman who has commented here before (I really hope you guys don’t mind me singling you out) who want, genuinely want to have a baby who just can’t for some reason. I want those people to be able to someday hold a baby–their baby, and watch him or her grow and develop and be loved. I wanted to do that for someone because I know that I just can’t, at this point, do it myself.
I shouldn’t feel so shaken up about this setback, but I do. I don’t know why, but I do.
Although the baby’s dad (who I’ve never talked about before. This blog has really been the Me Show since I opened it, which isn’t fair to him, is it?), when I called him, brought up the terrifying proposition of raising the kid ourselves when I told him that they’d bowed out. I can’t say the thought never crossed my mind, but it was jarring to hear it spoken by someone else.
I wish I could better articulate what I want to say about the idea of keeping the baby. I feel bad that I can’t. And I feel even worse trying, but here goes nothing.
I have the vision or fantasy sometimes of what it would be like if something happened and we ended up keeping the baby. I guess it’s apretty normal teenage girl fantasy of what it would be like to have a baby, but it’s all that more real. I always think of Maybug as a boy–make of that what you will–and I imagine what he’d look like and sound like. I browse through racks of tiny baby clothes and pick out ones with firetrucks and bugs and puppy dogs and picture dressing him up in them with a little hat that matched. Maybe with ears. I found a car seat the other day at Wal Mart that had dinosaur print and I wanted to buy it for him. I could see my baby (in his puppy-dog sleeper) riding in that car seat. I pass by rows of formula and picture myself in the middle of the night making a bottle for him. He’s even cute when he’s screaming his head off.
I told someone once that I thought that if it was a boy I might not want to let him go. I think I was right. I don’t know why I’m so attached to the notion of having a son, and I don’t know what it means for me in the long run. I guess time will tell.
Although when I have those fantasies, I do try to be as unselfish as possible about them. I do remember how I got into this position, and I do remember that I was so scared and uneasy and I knew all along that I couldn’t keep the baby. And if that isn’t enough, I remind myself of all the people who want to be how I am and can’t, and I think of the way a baby would be a fantastic gift to them.
Sometimes, though, it doesn’t help much.
(As an aside, I checked my views before I logged on and I have 100 views and I’ve only had the blog for a week. Geez! I had no idea that my ramblings would be that interesting to people.)
kim.kim said,
January 24, 2008 @ 4:02 am
I don’t see your baby as a gift to people who are infertile. I really wish that I’d had the self belief to have kept my daughter instead of sending her away to another family.
The person I am now is so different to the teenager I was then, but I am the same person. I used to look at baby things in shops too, I used to wish I could keep her.
I am not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but I do encourage you to explore fully the possibilites of ALL your options. Even short term fostering with visits, an idea that mortified me when I was pregnant.
Adoption is a life long forever solution to a temporary problem, as you become older you become more stable and confident and in a year from now you may realize that you actually could have parented your child.
If you are working with an adoption lawyer, this is someone who makes a lot of money if you give your baby to someone else.
Keeping your child with you is not selfish.
Whatever you decide or not decided, do or don’t do, I am on your side.
Wishing you all the very very best dearest girl.
bless58 said,
January 24, 2008 @ 6:27 am
It is not selfish to want to raise your own child!! I hope you can take some time and check out your parenting options.You will do fine.
We adoptees are not a “gift” to be given. As you can see, we seem to be interchangable among potential adoptive parents, but NOT to our natural mom!!
Claudia said,
January 24, 2008 @ 9:38 am
I believe you could still work with an agency. My daughter was born in May of 05. We were chosen by her birthmother in February of 05. She was given a bunch of profiles to look at, and chose us (the luckiest day of my life, no doubt!)
I’m sorry your adoption plan isn’t playing out as smoothly as you might have hoped. As an adoptive mom, I can tell you that while I understood that my daughter’s birthmom had the legal right to change her mind, and I completely respected that, it was absolutely terrifying. I believe you and I live in the same state. The TPR hearing was held two weeks after the birth. During those two weeks, I developed chest pains because I was so scared. I know that my anxiety paled in comparison to what A’s birthmother went through, though.
lisa4011 said,
January 24, 2008 @ 9:52 am
HUGS. This has to be the most difficult and confusing time you will likely ever face in your whole life. If you give your child up, you will wonder your whole life about who s/he is and what s/he is doing, if s/he’s happy or not. On the other hand, if you did keep the baby you would be giving up a future full of possibilities, babies are not easy and even the people I know who desperately wanted a child, as I do, struggle through each day as parents. You are so mature about this whole situation, I feel that regardless of what you choose (and it is your choice) you will do the right thing for Maybug and yourself. You already are a wonderful mother.
(And it is absolutely fine that you mentioned me in your blog, I spend a lot of time reading up on your situation. I find it gives me perspective.)
roni said,
January 24, 2008 @ 11:53 am
Came across your blog today. What a beautiful picture of your baby!
You come across as a very strong young woman. My heart goes out to you during this time.
I’m so sorry the family you chose has backed out. It must be hard, thinking they were the ones and now their not. Guess you can just look at it as they weren’t meant to parent your child.
I don’t think it’s too late to sign up with an agency at all.
Your fantasy of parenting is also a beautiful vision. I did just the opposite while pregnant – I ran away from the baby section.
I read earlier that you were thinking about seeing a councelor. I advice you to do so. It should really help you through the hard times. Are your parents understanding of what you are going through?
lisa4011 said,
January 24, 2008 @ 5:58 pm
bless58, I am very sorry that your adoptive experience leads you to believe that adoptive parents view their children as interchangeable. I assure you that for the majority of people, that is not the case. When MY son Michael was born, not a power in the universe could have made me deny him – regardless of his lineage. He was very sick and required a lot of care, and his biological mother denied him immediately following his birth. As each person is unique, so too is our devotion to our children, whether adopted or birthed.
S said,
January 24, 2008 @ 6:50 pm
Hi there! I came across your blog and just wanted to let you know that the notion of parenting this child is not a crazy one! I am a birthmom to a 5yo girl and miss her terribly but the adoption is open and very open. I love the family and we keep in touch often. I miss her but am glad that I can see how happy she is. I have 2 other children and she gets to keep in touch with them as well. I am a college student and was when i got pg with my birthdaughter well all of my children. I can tell you from experience that it is hard to parent and go to college but completely doable. I get a lot of help and resources. Please email me if you are interested in all the resources I know of. I am a single mom now and dont receive assistance from my parents but am on my own and lucily with all the resources out there I am near the end of my degree! I hope you can find peace in your decision and feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk. I hope that you can find another adoptive family soon if that is the route you choose.
S said,
January 24, 2008 @ 7:21 pm
for some reason i thought you were in college but just looked back and realized that you are in high school, but either way the stuff I said still applies. I think adoption or parenting are both doable and you should do what you really really want to. I know when I was considering adoption the thought of making another family happy felt good to me but now looking back I wish i would have thought more about myself but the most important thing was how well my daughter was going to be taken care of. I think that if I would have gotten the support I needed at the time which included counseling that after a few months I would have been much better and capable of raising her. But anyhow, I think my birthdaughter’s adoptive parents are considering adopting another child. They are really nice and openminded, their profile was one of two that would accept a child that was not “perfect”. Most of the a parents specifically requested a newborn with no problems. This couple was willing to accept a child up to 3 yo and including handicaps/disabilities and medical problems. They are really amazing ppl, so just email me if you would like more information about them or just want to talk. Being a birthmom or considering adoption can be very lonely and it can be hard to find others that can empathize with you. GL!
bless58 said,
January 27, 2008 @ 3:36 pm
Lisa. It is not my personal adoption. Birth parents have one child to love when they place, but PAPS can love any child that comes to them.;~))
bless58 said,
January 27, 2008 @ 3:39 pm
“When MY son Michael was born, not a power in the universe could have made me deny him – regardless of his lineage. He was very sick and required a lot of care, and his biological mother denied him immediately following his birth.” Lisa said
Wow Lisa, that also happened to us with our special needs child we adopted.